Today, I’m going to bribe you. Openly, shamelessly and without any thought of the consequences. Here’s the deal: if you promise to read the first part of this blog, which contains material some people are instantly appalled by or find shocking, I’ll give you something utterly wonderful in return: a compilation of the worst album covers ever designed.
Here’s just one example:
Hah. And there are others: a group of all-blind singers called The Braillettes, as well as the classic LP, All Of My Friends Are Dead by Freddie Gage. Oh, and who can forget Truly a Miracle of God by The Handless Organist?
That’s coming up – after this. So do we have a deal? Great.
Anyway, some guy wrote to me yesterday, complaining. He told me that my hostile attitude towards doctors and dentists – anyone in a white coat really – as portrayed in this blog, was nuts. Or at a bare minimum very strange.
I get that a lot. In fact, I’m considering spinning off the health stuff into a different blog entirely, so that fans who just want the TV-related stuff don’t feel like they’re being shortchanged by what experts call “baffling nonsense.”
But the negative reaction is not confined to this venue, believe me. I get it at private dinner parties too, whenever someone drops the S-bomb. A guest might mention in passing, for example, that a dear friend has contracted cancer and is due in surgery in the coming weeks so that doctors can lop off a breast. Naturally, that ghastly obscene word – surgery – sends me up like a bottle-rocket.
I’m usually so appalled that I make noises. I can’t help myself. It begins with a groan, then a shake of the head, after which my indignation is up and running and I start my routine attack on the curse that is modern medicine: irresponsible practitioners who, for reasons of profit, advocate harmful drugs and devastating radiation and surgery as their first option, discounting or ignoring all the other options out there.
Example: yesterday I saw video of a friend, taken a year ago before she had chemo. Back then she was upbeat and looked like a vibrant human being. Today she’s a shell, a numb husk – feeble, stumbling, distant, with a failing memory and body – barely recognizable as the same person. Doctors may – arguably – have saved her life, but they have simultaneously destroyed it. She will never recover from the treatment. So what on earth was the point?
Oddly, just as likely to start a major nuclear confrontation over dinner is when I tell people that I take coconut oil every day. A tablespoon of melted oil with breakfast each morning. The reaction is one of open-mouthed horror. “But why?” they gasp. “It’s a saturated fat, and saturated fats clog your arteries. Where have you been?”
Where have I been? I’ve been out there ignoring what doctors tell us and exploring the topic for myself. And guess what I discovered? That doctors are apparently wrong. Again.
Sure, coconut oil is 90% saturated fat, but from what I’m reading it’s the one exception to the rule. Saturated fat from animals clogs your arteries, but apparently coconut oil, being plant-based and stuffed full of medium-chain triglycerides, does the opposite. It actually helps declog your arteries. And yes, declog is a word. Or at the very least, it won’t clog them any further. Whatever – you get the idea.
Basic coconut carries a myriad health benefits, it turns out, that have been kept from us. In fact, the whole ‘coconut oil is bad’ shtick was put out by, I believe, the soy oil industry years ago to defeat what they saw as the competition. It was a commercial ploy, that’s all. It had no basis in fact.
Now we discover that pure, unrefined coconut oil does a whole bunch of useful things: it kills bacteria so it’s anti-viral; it relieves dandruff, it’s fantastic for the skin, for the liver and kidneys, and for sorting out digestive issues; it prevents vaginal itch, is good for aiding weight loss, fights off candida, counteracts premature ageing….
I can vouch for this, by the way. I was in Barbados a couple of years ago, and I came across a kid who I assumed was around 14. Turned out he was 29!!! “My God! How come you look so young?” I asked, cuz I really wanted to know – I’d like to look 29 too. “I eat lots of coconut,” he told me. “We all eat coconut, it keeps you young.”
Then what are you waiting for? Give me two barrels of oil to go!
The one thing it doesn’t do is help grow back your hands. So the Handless Organist is out of luck, alas.
Me, I take a tablespoon of oil each morning with breakfast. Organic, cold-pressed coconut oil. To keep me healthy and promote youthful ageing and fend off viruses and stuff. That’s the plan. I also smear it on my face occasionally, although that’s less successful. I guess it fills up the pores and seals them off somehow, because on really hot days I notice I sweat ten times as much as normal, which isn’t good. And finally I put it in my hair, as a sort of pre-wash conditioner. It’s fantastic.
If you decide to experiment too, here are three tips:
- buy the coconut oil from the dietary supplement area of your health food store, not the cooking area. Both are okay, but I’m told the dietary one is purer.
- for internal purposes, there’s no need to buy the extra-virgin oil. It tastes better – it tastes of coconut rather than oil – but nutritionally it makes no difference, and you’ll simply pay more for it.
- coconut oil turns solid at around 75 degrees. You can either swallow a chunk as it stands, or melt it by half-filling a cup with lukewarm water, standing a metal ladle in it, and leaving the coconut in the ladle ’til it’s liquid.
- if you’re in any doubt at all about anything here, check with a healthcare professional first. Make sure they’re switched on, though, to these new ways of thinking. Many doctors are; some are still lagging behind.
There. That’s it. I’ve said my bit. Consider yourself informed.
Now I’m going to keep my end of the bargain. Here, just for you, are some of the worst album covers in the world.
TV Swami – he say YES to coconut oil, and also the Handless Organist.
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