What if…?


What if, one day, you woke up with a dangerous thought in your head? An unthinkable thought. A thought you’d never had before. A thought so different, so foreign, so far-removed from anything you’d thought previously that it is entirely possible you weren’t even the one who thought it? That it must – could only – have been planted there by someone – some thing, being, dimension – else.

suicideWhat if, one day, you woke up and, the second you opened your eyes, you found yourself thinking, “That’s it. It’s over. I’m done”?

You’ve tried for years, approached it from every angle, done your level best to make it work out, given it all you had, doing so in full expectation that, someday, if you just kept on trying, there’d be a pay-off; that someone on high would recognize your efforts and go, “Jeez, that guy’s THE guy” and lift you from the drudgery you’ve been toiling away at optimistically for two decades.

But it didn’t happen. Even though it happens regularly to other people, sadly it didn’t happen to you. 

Not only that, but close on the heels of the first dangerous thought comes a second. An even more dangerous one. You realize all of a sudden that, oh my god, it’s never going to happen to you, is it?


Not if you toil optimistically for the next twenty years as well.  Or for the twenty after that. 

At some juncture in the past, not sure when, you took a wrong turn. Picked the wrong destiny. Followed a path that sparkled and promised plenty at the time, but which was faulty and turned out, after all the beans were counted and points tallied, to be a vast waste of time and effort. Too late, it hits you that the fantasy you fell for was a decoy. You were never meant to go down this path in the first place, which is why your efforts came to naught. Because it wasn’t your path. Like a prize idiot, you were trying to live somebody else’s dream, you just didn’t realize it.

And what if, after having thought the first dangerous thought and the second dangerous thought, and counted the beans and tallied the points, you realized finally the full extent of the – huge, massive, catastrophic – blunder you’d made and quickly reached a decision? Right there on the spot. A decision to do something equally as dangerous?  

To change course. It’s not too late. And even if it is, what the hell!

To give up….

….quit struggling….

…quit hanging on, trying to make it work…

….to take your hands off the tiller…

…undig your fingernails from the future you thought was yours and which you’ve been clinging onto fruitlessly all this time, the way Titanic survivors clung to floating deckchairs…

….and just LET GO?

This week, there’s a penumbral full moon eclipse, the third of four this year. It’s not visible from the US, so don’t eclipsebother rushing outside to look, but it’s happening, trust me, and if you buy into the whole astrology thing, then you’ll know that this is a very powerful symbolic time for us all.

Such an eclipse signals important endings. Once-and-for-all, pay-the-piper type of endings. The kind we come to dread. The ones that tell you that your locomotive has run out of steam and shunted into the terminus; now it’s time to disembark and find a new train to a different destination. No fuss, no regrets. That’s just how it is.

I wonder how many other people are experiencing that feeling first hand right now.

What if it’s everyone?

In some form, in some way, in some aspect of their life? I’m just saying.




Filed under Television commentary

4 responses to “What if…?

  1. frigginregan

    Wow. This post hit me in a very powerful and profound way. THANKS!

  2. mac48

    This may seem odd to leave a reply to an 8 month old entry but I just found your blog and I’m getting caught up. This entry hit so close to home that it forced me to leave a comment thanking you! Literally, I had no choice but to start typing to tell you that when I read this, it blew me away with how well it described how I am feeling right now. Kinda creepy, but cool. Thanks Cash!

    • Hey, thanks. That is weird that you’d find it, especially since it’s not the eclipse right now. But I don’t think it needs to be an eclipse for us to have certain major realizations about our lives and that we’ve reached an important turning point. I’m glad you’ve reached yours. Push on through. It feels better on the other side.

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