I’m aware he’s possibly the dumbest man that ever lived, and I’m not talking only recently, but in prehistoric times too, when people didn’t even have a vocabulary and just made noises, but for some inexplicable reason Levi Johnston is also one of the most attractive human beings to roll off God’s production line in a couple of centuries – something I’ve commented on before.
If I’d had the luck to be one of his contemporaries and attend the same high school back in the day, he’s the kid I would not have been able to take my eyes off in class all year. I swear.
My thoughts each evening would have been 20% on my French homework and 80% on what Levi was doing instead; because, sure as hell, it wasn’t French homework. I may even have called his house and put the phone down hurriedly the second he answered with one of his incoherent neolithic grunts, secretly exhilarated that he’d issued a personal greeting to me – ME! Little nobody me – replaying the moment in my head for weeks afterwards. That’s how creepy things could have become.
In those days. I’d have regarded it as a real privilege to be beaten up by someone of Levi’s caliber, or knocked unconscious with repeated blows from a hockey stick. Because violence is communication, right? And if, say, he’d tried to make his hunting and fishing chums laugh uncontrollably one day by slamming a hallway door in my spotty, adolescent, bespectacled face for a stunt, possibly breaking my nose…well, I’d probably have creamed my pants. Or passed out altogether. Believe me, I passed out more than once back then. What can I say – I go weak in the presence of beauty. I’m sorry. It’s a major failing. Always was.
But since none of that happened, seems I’m stuck with watching him fight to form sentences on Larry King instead, as Levi Johnston slowly becomes, quite by accident – the accident of knocking up a lunatic politician’s daughter – an icon of our dumb age.
Thank goodness, then, that Kathy Griffin can talk non-stop.
Last night she was hosting Larry King’s show on CNN – another dumb turn of events. After going to the Teen Choice Awards with Levi as her date, she had him on as her guest, then was forced to do all the intellectual heavy lifting herself. Here’s the result.