Tag Archives: Marco Pierre White

Boy. Spanking. Bad.

One of the most fascinating aspects of doing this blog is being able to see what many of the people who come here type into their search engines in order to be directed to one of the posts.

The other day, I wrote about Chopping Block, the ghastly Marco Pierre White’s unfortunately-named-in-the-circumstances reality cooking show, being cancelled. The title of the piece was “Bad-Boy Chef Gets a Spanking.” 

Well, that blog above all others received huge attention, and continues to do so, not because of Marco Pierre White or the show or what I said about either, but because there are readers out there, sitting alone in their one-bedroom condo with nothing but their computer and the rest of the world to keep them company, who slavishly type a combo of “spanking” and “boy” and “bad” into Google, often with some other words that have me slightly perturbed, and as a result find themselves  on TV Swami.

There was “naked sexy young boys” (ugh!), “bad boy hard spanking”, “spanking hard tv”, “bad boys need spanking,” and many more variations. There were also, by convoluted means, a couple that related to other posts: “Portia di Rossi naked” and “Chris Evans’ naked body”. They too ended up here, and probably cursed the whole system of tagging as they did so, because quite clearly it doesn’t work.

It’s remarkable, though. And in the case of the first one, disturbing.

But in the same way that merely mentioning that Rachel Bilson, a woman I couldn’t identify if she came to my door and said, “Hi, I’m Rachel Bilson”, was my neighbor brought floods of people checking out what I had to say, dropping the word spanking in a commentary acted as a magnet to pervs globally.

So let me give a shout-out to all the committed spankers out there who were misled into visiting this blog today, under the impression that it was going to be about their favorite fetish. And let me also, while I’m at it, say sorry for doing so.

Oh, and grow up.

TV Swami – he say NO to spanking hard TV.


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Bad-boy chef gets a spanking

News of the cancellation of a bad show, or even of a good show hosted by someone I don’t care for, is always a refreshing way to start any day, I find. The morning, for instance, I read that Ant and Dec’s horrendous US TV debut, Wanna Bet?, had come to absolutely nothing and those two grinning sub-par cretins had been sent packing, was an especially bright one in my calendar. 

So today, when I woke up to find that Marco Pierre White’s new cooking series on NBC had been torn from the schedules after only three weeks – well, it hit like a spritz of cold fresh lake water to my face. I was instantly awake, alive, and ready to face the world. 

I’ve never seen Chopping Block, mind, so I can’t comment on it. Then again, neither has anyone else. The ratings were abysmal, and American TV executives are extremely ruthless and unforgiving. But I did see a trailer for it, in which White, the bad-boy chef with the grizzled features, tried to do a Gordon Ramsay – projecting grim authority and an intimidating puffed-up inner ugliness that seems to come from working too hard, staying up too late, and having too many competing worries in your head at one time. Only for some reason there’s something quite entrancing about Ramsay and his nervous straight-off-the-spit temper tantrums that makes him a one-off and very successful here in the States. White, by contrast, has none of that. He comes across as unpleasant, horribly arrogant, and someone I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as for more than two minutes, let alone watch him for a full half hour on TV.  

Why so many celebrity chefs feel the need to be bad boys – sour and volatile, behaving like petulant five year olds, making life horribly difficult for everyone around them – is quite beyond me. I’m guessing it’s a put-on, an affectation, the spoilt child throwing a fit each time he doesn’t get what he wants, that gradually becomes integrated into their image. They see their combustible personality and obnoxiousness as a plus, a positive: a dynamic motivating force that gets things done under pressure. And look – they’re successful and rich, so it’s all in a good cause, right?

Well, no. You’re not a winner in life, friend, just because you have money or restaurants or fame. The biggest losers of all are sometimes the richest in material terms. Why is that so hard to see? 

By the way, this phenomenon isn’t only the province of the British either. We have TV chefs over here too who are cantankerous and deeply egotistical and unpleasant, and they are famous for it, which is unfortunate. But I don’t have to endorse their petulance by supporting their ventures into television, do I? That’s where I have power. That’s where I become richly dynamic and motivating. By ignoring them completely.

It’s a passive-aggressive thing.  

But that’s okay. Because, having failed to catch the worn-out-looking Marco Pierre White and his (I presume) wretched copycat cooking contest show, I find I’m helped considerably in missing future episodes by having it yanked from my screen before I get the chance. Good for you, NBC.

So that’s it. Another fatality. Another British personality in a long, long , looooooong line of trounced hopefuls who thought they would just breeze across the Atlantic and show those American simpletons a thing or two about television, gets canned and sent back again in a snit. Justice has been done, the petulant child has been packed off to bed without cooking supper, and we viewers can rest easy yet again. 

Who’s next, I wonder?


Marco Pierre White and Chopping Block get no magic carpets out of five.

TV Swami – he say NO.

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